High-Functioning Grievers
from WinterWarrior.guru
I cannot explain the extraordinary connection I continue to possess with my Josie and my Julian. His death came at a moment when my grief for her passing nearly caused my own—that’s how badly it hurt. Then, in an instant, I forgot the pain I felt for her, as it was swallowed up in the shocking news of his own very sudden, tragic, and unexpected death.
I have spent the past three and a half years swimming in these tears—for him. At one point I remember thinking some might find it strange that I was so consumed by my grief for him, and that maybe I had forgotten her, but I absolutely knew in my heart that my Josie understood… If I had spent five years in heavy grief for her, she was okay with me taking the next five for him!!!
Things only a loss mom can understand, because nothing really makes any sense in grief… And yet, lately, I have begun to sprout new tears of mourning that my Josie is no longer here—it presses on my aching heart in the most profound way… I still needed her!!! I needed them both.
https://share.icloud.com/photos/03ellO_MY4MLiW57CphTdjnAQ
All I can do is remind myself how I have managed to make it this far, so I breathe in, and then I breathe out—like clockwork, over and over again until the pain subsides once more. At this point, I am like a “high-functioning” griever—much like the alcoholic that no one suspects—the one that is rarely sober, but you would never guess it because they pull it off so well…
In these moments of renewed pain, I sometimes wonder what my heart would look like if I could actually see it… Would the bleeding and brokenness be visible to the naked eye, because it sure feels like it?!!!!
