Losing My Protectors, One By One
from my WinterWarrior.guru blog
There are times I feel like my life is a game of whack-a-mole. It is as though I cannot ever get to the point where the moles are just “finished-off,” and I can let down my guard long enough to simply catch a small breath. Several months ago, I took some lessons from a couple of highly qualified military veterans (one was a Navy SEAL) to learn how to shoot a pistol. Though I admit, I wanted a gun for self-defense purposes, the greater pull was actually to help me maintain my strong bond and connection to my now deceased son, Julian. He loved shooting, and even qualified at the “expert pistol” level in the Marine Corps several months prior to his death. I desperately needed to know what shooting was like—even though I had tried it out a few times before in my life, it was never at that level, nor with any kind of passion or drive. Now, I needed to understand why he loved it so much, and what all the excitement was—aside from them being super loud and potentially dangerous!!!!
At the end of the day, I am very much a “mom,” and quite honestly, firearms have always terrified me… I wanted to overcome my fear by embracing it, and I wanted to “own” my skills. In doing so, I have been able to accomplish my goal at drawing closer to my son, and also gained greater confidence in myself by doing something I had never imagined myself doing!!! It has been healing in many ways—not to mention that I discovered that I actually LOVE shooting!! It is challenging and fun—two things that help me thrive and come alive.
Simultaneously, something else very big was awakened inside of me in the past several years… I have not often expressed what I have felt to, one by one, lose the significant men in my life—you know, the ones that are supposed to protect you and keep you safe should anything or anyone threaten your “home“ or well-being. This fear (I will call it what it is.) began when my grandfather died in the summer of 2019. He was my Grandpa Bud—my big, tough, strong and wise compassthat had been a constant source of unconditional love and nurturing in my life since the time he and my Grandma Jan had taken me in as a “troubled teen.”
He was also a Korean War veteran. He had been a paratrooper, and though he rarely spoke of that time in his life, he still stood out as a hero to us all—most especially to his great-grandson, Julian. In fact, Julian looked up to him so much, he was eager to earn his own wings someday… His grandpa even tried to give Julian his jump wings the last time they saw each other, but Julian honorably refused—knowing that they were something he had to earn for himself. It would not be right to take his grandpa’s, and he knew his grandpa also knew it. It was a special moment, and one I will never forget.
Sadly, a few short years later, Julian earned his wings, too, but not the kind of wings that any of us had ever imagined… My protectors were leaving me, one by one. I cannot fully express the thoughts and feelings that have engulfed me since Grandpa Bud’s passing, and then Julian’s. In actuality, I often find myself counting the “protectors” I have left, and fearing what I will do if they should ever disappear. I cannot help but try and assume the role of protector for what is left of my little family. I try desperately to NOT live in fear, but it is hard when my greatest fears have already come true.
My pistol has given me a tremendous new outlet in grief—something to absorb this excess of emotion, but it has also given me a sense of greater connection to my protector son. He is teaching me who he was, what mattered most to him, and what he was willing to sacrifice his life defending… I love him so much, and know he continues to walk beside me every day—protecting us just the same, only on a different plane…
I have learned that protectors can take many shapes and forms—it all depends what is needing protected. For example, my little Will protects me from giving-up and falling into inertia, while my darling Maya protects me from darkness—they are both brilliant, radiant lights in my life. Though I feel the need to protect them, I know that the truth is that they are the true protectors. Nevertheless, I will still defend and protect them with what is left of my life for as long as I am able… because if not me, then who? There are no guarantees that the few protectors I have left will be here tomorrow or beyond. I must be ready.
