Morning Cannot Come Soon Enough
from my WinterWarrior.guru blog
Morning Cannot Come Too Soon
We are at two weeks now since my little man has been sick. Being able to write in this journal has given me a small measure of relief. Cooped-up inside, anxiously watching his every move and breath while he sleeps—it is as though I have all this energy and desire to help him, but there is only so much I can do, besides wait and pray.
The nights are especially long, as I battle with the shadows and storms in my own mind. Morning cannot come too soon, for morning brings the hope of an opportunity to finally come up for a breath of fresh air. As I eagerly race to open the blinds, allow the sunlight to trickle inside and purge the staleness of my humble home, I feel as though I am a diver that has been under water for far too long… I desperately need to reach the surface.
It’s thick, and heavy, and dark. I have to work double-time daily just to stay afloat, and the tiniest excess of weight added to my load easily puts me under… The slightest sound of my son coughing feels like a gunshot going off inside my head. My heart skips beats, and I jump back to the ready position—I cannot let down my guard.
This sacred place of refuge, my home, can also feel quite like an entrapment at moments like these, when it is forced upon me. I long to be outside, in the hot, sweaty sun, doing my chores, milking my stinky goats, watching my little man run here, then there, as he searches for ants and other tiny bug treasures that he loves so much!!! I just want him “normal” again—this feels too akin to my grief.
I am so very blessed to have this little guardian in my life. He is, indeed, my protector. Because of him, I am made grounded and stable; I feel this way about all of my children. They are my comfort. They are my strength—more than they will ever know… I need them whole!!!!
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